Feeling stressed out

Obviously there is a little bit to be stressed out about lately, but I am the most anxious over the birth of this baby. With Josh's brother's girlfriend having a baby, it only makes me think about it more.

I want him to be there with me, either to coach my while I push or hold my hand while I am sliced open. I am scared that I will not have him with me (and it becomes a possibility more and more each day.)

Nothing seems to want to work out for us. We moved down to California thinking that it would be fairly simple for Josh to find a job, since he is a college grad. But that seemed to be a more difficult task than we thought, which was extremely disheartening. And then we found out I was pregnant so we had to revise our situation to fit our needs. When Josh joined the Airforce, it sounded so easy for him to join the airforce with quick enlist and leave in time for him to be back for the baby. But as the days fade away, it has been more and more likely that he will not be here. It just doesn't seem fair. Some people who aren't even in a committed relationship get to be together when they have a baby, they might even just be friends by that time. Josh and I have been deeply committed for quite some time and it just doesn't feel right that he can't be here for myself and the baby.

I don't want Josh's first glimpse of his baby to be over a picture on a phone. I don't want him to hold the baby for the first time when it is a couple months old.

There are a lot of sacrfices to be made when one has children...it is difficult sometimes to keep a smile on and act like everything is perfectly fine. I am not looking for pity, sometimes it feels better to type words, any words, to lighten the heart and the mind.

I feel that things will be fine, in the future, but right now it has been very hard. I miss Sioux Falls so desperately, especially the food. I keep having cravings of food that I can only find there, and being hormonal and dramatic, I of course cry over it sometimes. I miss the snow, I miss driving in a place where I know. I miss the shopping, I miss the stores, I miss pretty much everything about it. I never thought I would, but I miss it.

I'm just having one of those days where everything seems to fall to pieces, like my heart and my soul. But I will brave through it like usual, maybe with a few tears, but with no regret...

No regret because I know that I wouldn't trade my family for the world. Anything that is good isn't easy and anything that is easy isn't good.